The Critic

 

He sat down at a table alone and observed the other patrons as he waited for a member of the wait staff to come over and serve him.

The place was brand new and he wanted to try it out for himself.

 

He noticed someone that looked familiar just before a cheery waitress appeared and handed him a menu.

“Is that Bear Grylls?” he said pointing the man across the way.

“Oh yeah,” the waitress said. “He’s in my section too.”

“Our specials tonight are a Broiled Sea-Bass, Ratatouille, and Tomato Soup. Bear ordered the soup. She said with a wink.”

“I’ll take one of whatever you or the chef recommends. I’m a Critic.” He said, also with a wink.

“Oh” She said. Her posture was ridged and defensive now. “I’ll ask him.”

The critic hadn’t meant for the wink it to come off as if he was making fun of her. It was something he always did. He felt it put people at ease, but now it seemed like it did nothing but make it worse. Oh well, what’s done was done.

He waited for the waitress to come back and continued to people-watch. He had to make a conscious effort not to look at Bear Grylls too often.

“He suggests the Mushroom Risotto.” She said as she sidled up next to the critic and poured him a glass of wine. “The wine” she said, with an exaggerated wink, was “on the house.”

 

“I’ll take the risotto then.” The critic said.

 

The waitress disappeared again and minutes later she returned with a steaming plate of mushrooms and rice.

“Bon Appitet.” She said as she sat it in front of him.

 

The critic took out a small Molskine notepad and pen and started to jot down notes as he tasted the dish. Before long, his plate and wine cup were empty.

 

“How was everything?” The waitress asked. “Oh,” she caught herself. “I guess I’ll find out soon enough, won’t I?”

 

“Yes,” The critic said. “thank you for your hospitality. I will send the restaurant a copy of my review as a courtesy. It should go live tomorrow by 5 o’ clock.”

 

The next day the restaurant would receive an email with a hyperlink attached. The hyperlink would lead them to Bryan Door’s personal Facebook page.

 

It would read that Bryan Door was an assistant manager at Baskin Robbins. His hobbies included Fishing, Making a Good Cup of Coffee, and Reviewing New Restaurants.

 

His latest post was a review of the restaurant. It read. “Went to this new place last night. The food was pretty good. The service was pretty good too. They even gave me some free wine, which was cool. The best part was that I saw Bear Grylls. You never know who you’re going to run into in this city.”

 

 

Hyundai Sun Bowl: Brought to you by Hyundai

 

“And Welcome to sunny, El Paso, Texas,” Play by play man, Greg Kohn said. “as we’re getting ready to kick off the Hyundai Sun Bowl brought to you by Hyundai. Hyundai, for when you’re ready for a fruitier kind of car.”

“It sure is the perfect day for some football.” Mark Stava, the color man added.

“Definitely suited for the Hyundai Sun Bowl brought to you by Hyundai.” Greg added. “And now for our keys to the game brought to you by Schlage. Schlage, the key you already own.”

“The big thing for Stanford,” Mark said. “Is to start scoring as soon as possible. They have a potent offence. So if they can score more than North Carolina, they should win. For the Tar Heels, they must jump on the back of that defense and keep Stanford from scoring more than their own offense. If they can do that, they should win.”

“There you have it.” Greg said. “Stanford needs to score more than North Carolina and North Carolina needs to prevent Stanford from scoring as much as they do. Those were the keys to the game brought to you by Schlage. Schlage, it’s what your spare key is.

And now for the starting lineups brought to you by the Home Depot.” Greg continued. “The Home Depot: Casually reminding you that you should be using your free time to replace that sink your wife has been nagging you about for the past month, instead of watching football.”

A slew of fresh faced twenty-somethings introduced themselves as they appear on screen.

“And those were the starting lineups brought to you by the Home Depot.” Greg said as the last face finished introducing itself. ” The Home Depot: You still haven’t gotten up yet?”

“I think Jabar Markin.” Mark said. Referring to the Stanford Quarterback who had just introduced himself on screen moments ago. “Will be the difference maker in this game. He has so much talent. But for him to do well the rest of his team has to perform well too.”

“Now it looks like we’re ready for kick off. Stanford lines up to kick…and it’s off. It’s a high-flying kick.

Its fielded by Johnson.

Johnson takes it from the 15.

He finds an angle and turns up field.

A beautiful block and he’s able to find a crease.

He’s up to the 50 and he looking for more.

He jukes a Stanford defender and he has open field ahead of him.

He’s running free and he going all the way to pay dirt.

Touchdown Tar Heels!”

“Wow what a play!” Mark added.

“Actually, it’s our big play of the game brought to you by Microsoft Xbox. Xbox, for if you’re one of those people who only play Madden and Call of Duty.”

“Now watch this.” Mark said as the replay started. “His eyes are downfield he’s already looking for how to get a touchdown. He gets this beautiful block by Wilson and only has to use his incredible quickness to juke Maxwell out of his sneakers. After that, well, that’s all she wrote.”

“And that was the big play of the game brought to you by Xbox. Xbox: Yeah, we really messed up on this generation of consoles.

And now unfortunately,” Greg continued. “we have to take a break in the action to hear from our sponsors.”

Have It Our Way

 

 

“Our healthy options aren’t selling.” The CEO barked.

He was in the conference room with twelve of his best idea men.

“We’ve been banging our heads against this wall and getting nowhere.” He continued. ” There must be some way to tap into that market. We need something to grab these healthy types. We have to draw in the Vegans and the Vegetarians too.”

 

“We have the BK Veggie Burger.” Idea Man #3 said. “One burger should satisfy all of those self-righteous Veggie types.”

“Have you ever tried the BK Veggie Burger?” The CEO asked.

The man shook he head.

“It’s a hockey puck! No one in their right mind would want to eat that thing. And no one does.” He continued. “We haven’t sent one Veggie Burger patty to any restaurant in the last 4 years. They’re just gathering frost bite in the storage freezers.”

 

“Okay,” Idea man #11 stood up. “I’ve been noodling with this one for a while. It’s actually a collaboration.”

“Carry on” The CEO said.

“How about if we did Macaroni and Cheese bites? You know like the ones that they have as hor d’oeuvres at weddings.”

“You’ve piqued my interest,” The CEO said. “but how is that a collaboration?”

“We coat the outside with Cheetos.”

“I wanted something healthy.” The CEO said.

“You said that you wanted something to appeal to the Vegetarians” Idea Man #11 said. “and this does just that.”

“You’re right, it does do just that.” The CEO replied. “But what about the Vegans? They don’t eat cheese, do they?”

“Screw them.” Idea Man # 9 said. “Let them eat their Kale Crackers and Grass Noodles.”

 

“Okay, so we just narrow our focus to the vegetarian population.” The CEO said. “I like this.”

“I’ve read this article that said that Taco Bell was doing the most for vegetarians now.” Idea Man #1 said.

“Yeah, Mexican food is hot now.” The CEO said.

“How about if we took a whopper, chopped it up and stuck it inside of a tortilla?” Idea Man #6 said. “We could call it the….Whopperito.”

“Ha-ha,” the CEO laughed. “I love it and all we have to do is buy a bunch of tortillas. This is the perfect gateway into that Mexican food market.”

“Speaking of the whopper,” Idea Man #12 said. “I was thinking. What if we drizzled butter over it? Wouldn’t that be amazing!”

“That does sound really good!” The CEO said.

“Then you’ll love this!” Idea Man #7 said. “We serve our normal soft serve ice cream but with bacon in it. Can you think of something more decadent?”

“Wow, what great ideas guys! We should implement them all.” The CEO said. “I love this new direction that we’re going.”

Hyundgay

 

“Can I help you sir?” The Dealer asked as he approached the man standing in front of a new Hyundai Sonata.

“Yeah, I was wondering if you could give me some more information on this Sonata.” The man said. “It’s seems like a fantastic price for such a new car!”

“Oh, you don’t want that, do you?” The dealer said.

“I don’t?” The guy asked.

“I don’t know. Are you…?” The dealer asked. “You know.” He made a limp wrist motion.

“Oh no.” Said the guy. “No, I’m not gay. But why does that matter?”

“Hyundai’s are gay.”

“What?” the guy said. ” How can a car be gay?”

“I’ll show you.” the dealer said.

He opened the driver side door and a gentle, “Ting-ting” chime sounded, indicating that the door was left open.

“See?” The dealer said, as if that was enough to prove his point.

“What?” the guy said. “What’s wrong with the sound?”

“It’s a little fruity. Don’t you think?”

“I guess it is a little fancier than it has to be, but it’s kind of nice.”

“Okay fine.” the dealer said as he leaned in and honked the horn. What emitted wasn’t the normal blare of a car horn. It was a pleasant little beep.

The guy imagined angrily honking in traffic and that soft chirp coming out. It was pretty funny.

“Well what do you think about that?” The dealer asked.

“It is a bit dainty, but it’s nice.” The guy said. “Nicer than my old Honda anyway.”

“This is Hondas gay cousin.” the dealer said. “Check this out.” He walked the man to the back of the car a pointed to the emblem. “Look at this thing.” he said. “Your Honda has a nice strong bold H inside of a very straight square. This however…” He trailed off leaving the guy to make his own assumptions about the curvy italicized ‘H’ within the oval. All he added was another limp wrist for accent.

“I mean the name too. Hyundai. Hyund-hey boys.” The last part the salesman said with an exaggerated lisp. “Am I right?”

“I guess I see your point.” The guy said. “It does seem a little gay now that you point it out.”

“Let me tell you a little story.” The dealer started. “I had a friend once. Okay, more of an acquaintance, who was straight as an arrow. He bought one of these baby’s and, before you knew it, he came charging out of that proverbial closet as loose and limp as a wet noodle. Now, I won’t say the car turned him gay, but I won’t say it didn’t either.”

“You know,” The guy said. “Now that I think of it, I do know someone who drives a Hyundai and he is gay.”

“Exactly!” The salesman said. “Now what can I do to put you into a nice straight Honda or Nissan?”

The man eventually settled on a very economical Nissan Sentra and drove away happy.

A few minutes later, another man drove up in an older Hyundai and addressed the salesman.

“Hey sweetie, I’m ready to buy now.”

“You’d better be.” he said. “You don’t know what I had to do to keep people from buying this thing.”

They signed the paperwork and the salesman handed over the keys.

“So, I’ll see you at home?” The guy behind the wheel of his brand-new Hyundai Sonata asked.

The salesman nodded and the guy blew him a kiss before driving off.

 

The Seagulls

 

“This is reporter Kelly Thompson for 1^st World News and I am here at Amity Island on this beautiful 4^th of July weekend. However, everything here isn’t all parades and fireworks. We have received word that there is something terrorizing this beach that rivals the great white shark from forty-two years ago.”

“Sir.” Kelly Thompson says as she grabs a harried looking man by the arm and pulls him in toward her. “Can you tell me about the menace that terrorizes this beach?”

“Yeah they’re everywhere!” He says.

“What’s everywhere?” Kelly says as her eyes dart around.

“The damn Seagulls!” The man proclaims. “I went to get a bucket of french fries and as I’m carrying it back to my family, a fry falls out.”

“They always fill those things up so high.” Kelly says sympathetically.

“Yeah and you can’t manage to get to sit down without dropping one. Unless you’re a trapeze artist or something.”

“That’s horrible.”

It gets worse.” The man says. “So, I’m going to my seat when out of nowhere, this white and gray blur zooms down in front of me, toward the fry. It startled me so bad that I dropped a few more. Before knew it, there were twenty seagulls screeching at my feet. I ran to my family with what little fries I had left. After the gulls had finished off what I had dropped, they continued to watch us eat the rest of ours. It was very disturbing.”

“How many fries would you say that you lost to these vicious predators?”

“Three or four by my guess.”

“How horrible.”

“If you think that’s bad, you should take a look over there.” The man said.

Kelly looked to where he was pointing and saw an empty popcorn cardboard tub lying sideways on the boardwalk. Beside it a little girl was on her knees crying.

“She dropped it.” The man continued. “Before she knew it, she was surrounded by a cloud of feathers and beaks. When it finally dissipated, there was nothing left.”

“Well there you have it.” Kelly Thompson said. “When it comes to 4th of July weekend, the poor town of Amity can’t catch a break. All we can hope is that they can make it through the weekend and rebuild after. This is Kelly Thompson of 1^st World News, signing off.”

5 Simple Steps to Keeping Your Gut This Summer

 

It can be hard to keep your gut this time of year when the weather gets nice and all of your buddies want to do things outside. However we’ve arranged 5 easy steps to keep you packing on the pounds while still Hiking, Kayaking, and Playing Tetherball with your buddies just in time for beach season.

• Staying Up Late and or Sleeping Erratically: This may sound strange but going to bed at the same, decent, time every night is great for losing weight thus horrible for your goals. Avoid this at all costs by making sure to stay up late or get up many times in the night. One way to do this is to chug highly caffeinated energy drinks just before bedtime. The caffeine not only keeps you up, but constricts your blood vessels so that you have to pee every five minutes, just like alcohol. Alcohol has the reverse effect on sleep though. It will knock you out, but you won’t get that restful, weight burning, REM sleep so you’ll wake up exhausted even after sleeping for 12 hours. It’s always good to use in a pinch.
• Carbs are your friend: Most body builders cut out carbohydrates when trying to cut down on body fat. Therefore we want the opposite. Cheetos, Cheez-it’s, really anything in a card board box or bag with “Cheese” in the name should do. Have these within arm’s reach at all times.
• SUGARRR!!: If you’re following the plan correctly you may feel sluggish from time to time. If that’s the case, sugar is the pick-me-up you need. It gives you a quick burst of energy while replacing any calories you may burn tenfold. That’s what we call efficiency. We suggest keeping a fun size candy bar in your car. That way you can avoid any healthy temptations on the road.
• Lard: We consider this a superfood. Lard is a pig fat (did someone say bacon?) and can, or rather should, be used in cooking all of your dishes. You can also eat it by the spoonful just like peanut butter. This powerful pig butter contains 153% of your daily fat intake in just 100 grams. So get a spoon and start shoveling.
• Beer: They don’t call it a beer gut for nothing. Follow in the wisdom of your drunken uncle Chet’s erratic footsteps and start guzzling down the good stuff. (See step 1 for sleep benefits.)

Follow these five simple steps and you’ll keep that gut in no time! And if anyone does give you crap about it, know that they’re jealous of all of the determination and hard work it took for you to keep it.

Man vs. Soup

 

She caught eyes with him and he motioned for her to come over. She had been looking at him on and off for the past few minutes trying to figure out where she had seen him before. She knew he’d looked familiar.

When she got to his table it finally clicked.

“You’re Bear Grylls aren’t you?” She asked. “Star of Man vs Wild?”

“Well, I actually have this new show ‘Running Wild’ where I take celebrities out into the wilderness with me.” He said. “But yes I am Bear Grylls. Do you want an autograph or something?”

“Sure.” She said. She pulled the waitress’s notepad out of her apron. Silently kicking herself for not having anything better for him to sign.

“Are you a fan of Man vs. Wild?” He asked as he scribbled he name across the note pad.

“Oh yes.” The waitress said. “Well, my fiancé is. He watches it all the time. To be honest, I get grossed out from a lot of it. Did you really drink your own pee?”

She felt a bit silly once the words left her lips. What a stupid question to ask.

“Oh yeah. I did.” He responded cheerfully. “I always wanted Man vs. Wild to give people the tools to survive. If they were ever caught out in a dry arid climate like a desert, then drinking your own urine might just save your life.” He stopped and snickered. “It’s funny the things you get remembered for.”

“I just don’t know if I could do it.” The waitress said. “You know, like, the mental block.”

“Sure,” Bear said. “but I think you’d surprise yourself. In North Africa I had to eat a scorpion. Now you have to make sure that you cut the tail off.”

“I remember that one.” The waitress said. “You found an Octopus hiding out in a wrecked ship that you had to eat raw.” She winced as she remembered. “I had to leave the room when you started gagging.”

“Yeah.” Bear said as a looked outward wistfully. “That was a tough one. The little suckers from the tentacle were sticking to my throat. I would swallow and it was still clinging there like some big slimy noodle.”

The waitress gagged.

“Depending on where you are stranded, there might not be an option to cook what you find. Sometimes you have to eat it raw.”

“I guess those mashed up bugs you ate later in the episode were like gourmet dining compared to the octopus.” The waitress said.

“Ah the bug burger.” Bear said. “Not exactly. They did go down much easier once I got them past my taste buds.”

“It was fun though.” Bear said after a moment of silence. “Man vs. Wild. And It sounds like you’ve seen enough of the show. Hopefully you’re never in a situation where you would have to survive like that but if you are, I would be happy to know that it had helped you.”

The waitress smiled and thanked Bear for his autograph as she turned to leave him to eat the rest of his meal in piece.

“Oh,” She heard him called from behind her. “I almost forgot why I called you over here in the first place.”

The waitress turned back around.

Bear was pointing down at his bowl.

“There’s a fly in my soup.”

“Ew,” The waitress said. “That’s disgusting. Let me get you a new one.”

Bonus Story: R.I.P. 2016

The New Year’s Eve Ball reached the bottom and everyone cheered.

“Thank God it’s finally 2017.” Lisa said. “I don’t think I could have stood another celebrity death.”

“We lost so many.” David added. “Prince, Robin Williams, and David Bowie.”

“Don’t forget Alan Rickman, Gene Wilder, and the kid who was on the new Star Trek Movies.” Lisa said.

“What about the dad from Growing Pains?” Jodie added. “I still can’t believe he’s gone.”

“I loved the dad from Growing Pains!” Carly said. “Fuck you 2016!”

“2016 also took Muhammed Ali, Arnold Palmer, and R2D2.” David said.

“R2D2? What about princess Leia?” Lisa said. “George Michael and Doris Roberts too.”

“And the Mom from the Brady Bunch.” Jodie added.

‘I loved the Mom from the Brady Bunch.” Carly said. “Fuck you 2016!”

 

The coverage of New York Times Square cut over to the local news.

 

“And just as we are all ready to get rid of 2016,” the news anchor said. “It would seem that 2017 had already claimed its first victim… 2016.”

 

The room fell silent for a minute as the stunned faces looked at the TV in disbelief.

 

“I can’t believe it.” David said. “2017 has barely started and it’s already killed someone.”

 

“Yeah,” Lisa added. “It seemed like we hardly knew 2016.”

 

“It was so young,” Jodie added. “It had so much more to live for.”

 

“This going to make me really sad.” Carly said as she whipped out her phone. “For a long time.”

 

She posted to all of her social media accounts so that her friends, family, and stalkers could see how distressed she was.

 

“I Loved 2016! Fuck you, 2017!”

 

Neutered

 

Jack felt horrible. His buddy lay in the passenger seat beside him in pain. It was more than that though. Something very important, very dear, had been taken from him.

Jack rolled the window down in an attempt to lift his spirits.

His buddy didn’t budge. He stayed with his cone covered head slumped over the front of the bench truck seat.

Jack rubbed his back. The only reaction he got was one light thump from his tail. It wasn’t even a full wag. Just a gentle thump on the seat.

Jack wondered if his buddy was thinking about the Labradoodle next door.

She would no doubt be disappointed at the news. Jack was sure that she would be getting the same within the next few months, though.

The two pups were within weeks of each other and they had taken quite the liking to one another. So much so that Jack jumped on the first opportunity to ensure there would be no little Labradoodledor’s (or would they be LaLabradoodle’s?) running around in the coming months.

Still, as he looked to his depressed partner, he couldn’t help but feel bad.

They passed a pet store and the bouncing ball logo gave Jack a wonderful idea.

A toy would definitely cheer him up. He had plenty waiting for him at home but most of them had had their innards, whether they be squeaker or stuffing, torn from them. His toy bin looked like a graveyard of victims of the cult leader from Temple of Doom. KALEE MA!

Besides nothing beat the joy of a new toy. Who knows it may even be enough to keep his mind off of the Labradoodle.

Jack grabbed hold of the leash and walked his buddy inside. He was still a little loopy so it took them a little longer, but they found the dog toy isle before long.

Jack pulled everything he could from the shelf and held it close to his buddy to see if it got a reaction. It wasn’t until he reached the end of the isle that he found a winner.

He pulled a rubber ball from the shelf and held it down.

His friend lifted his eyes and started to sniff at it.

“Of course,” Jack thought. “The ball was the most basic toy and he loved to play fetch. Of course, he would like it best.” Jack felt silly for trying all of those others first.

When they reached the counter, the cashier told them that the rubber balls were buy one, get one free so Jack went back to grab another. He made sure to grab one the same as the first just in case it became a favorite and he would have to replace it on the fly.

As Jack exited the store, he realized that he was smiling. It had been the first time since the operation. He knew he had found something that might just get his buddy over the hump.

And so, Jack strolled the rest of the way parking lot with a broad smile on his face. In his left hand was the handle of a leash that belonged to a dog who had just been neutered. In his right was a sack filled with two blue balls.