It can be hard to keep your gut this time of year when the weather gets nice and all of your buddies want to do things outside. However we’ve arranged 5 easy steps to keep you packing on the pounds while still Hiking, Kayaking, and Playing Tetherball with your buddies just in time for beach season.
- Staying Up Late and or Sleeping Erratically: This may sound strange but going to bed at the same, decent, time every night is great for losing weight thus horrible for your goals. Avoid this at all costs by making sure to stay up late or get up many times in the night. One way to do this is to chug highly caffeinated energy drinks just before bedtime. The caffeine not only keeps you up, but constricts your blood vessels so that you have to pee every five minutes, just like alcohol. Alcohol has the reverse effect on sleep though. It will knock you out, but you won’t get that restful, weight burning, REM sleep so you’ll wake up exhausted even after sleeping for 12 hours. It’s always good to use in a pinch.
- Carbs are your friend: Most body builders cut out carbohydrates when trying to cut down on body fat. Therefore we want the opposite. Cheetos, Cheez-it’s, really anything in a card board box or bag with “Cheese” in the name should do. Have these within arm’s reach at all times.
- SUGARRR!!: If you’re following the plan correctly you may feel sluggish from time to time. If that’s the case, sugar is the pick-me-up you need. It gives you a quick burst of energy while replacing any calories you may burn tenfold. That’s what we call efficiency. We suggest keeping a fun size candy bar in your car. That way you can avoid any healthy temptations on the road.
- Lard: We consider this a superfood. Lard is a pig fat (did someone say bacon?) and can, or rather should, be used in cooking all of your dishes. You can also eat it by the spoonful just like peanut butter. This powerful pig butter contains 153% of your daily fat intake in just 100 grams. So get a spoon and start shoveling.
- Beer: They don’t call it a beer gut for nothing. Follow in the wisdom of your drunken uncle Chet’s erratic footsteps and start guzzling down the good stuff. (See step 1 for sleep benefits.)
Follow these five simple steps and you’ll keep that gut in no time! And if anyone does give you crap about it, know that they’re jealous of all of the determination and hard work it took for you to keep it.