The Seagulls

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“This is reporter Kelly Thompson for 1st World News and I am here at Amity Island on this beautiful 4th of July weekend. However, everything here isn’t all parades and fireworks. We have received word that there is something terrorizing this beach that rivals the great white shark from forty-two years ago.”

“Sir.” Kelly Thompson says as she grabs a harried looking man by the arm and pulls him in toward her. “Can you tell me about the menace that terrorizes this beach?”

“Yeah they’re everywhere!” He says.

“What’s everywhere?” Kelly says as her eyes dart around.

“The damn Seagulls!” The man proclaims. “I went to get a bucket of french fries and as I’m carrying it back to my family, a fry falls out.”

“They always fill those things up so high.” Kelly says sympathetically.

“Yeah and you can’t manage to get to sit down without dropping one. Unless you’re a trapeze artist or something.”

“That’s horrible.”

It gets worse.” The man says. “So, I’m going to my seat when out of nowhere, this white and gray blur zooms down in front of me, toward the fry. It startled me so bad that I dropped a few more. Before knew it, there were twenty seagulls screeching at my feet. I ran to my family with what little fries I had left. After the gulls had finished off what I had dropped, they continued to watch us eat the rest of ours. It was very disturbing.”

“How many fries would you say that you lost to these vicious predators?”

“Three or four by my guess.”

“How horrible.”

“If you think that’s bad, you should take a look over there.” The man said.

Kelly looked to where he was pointing and saw an empty popcorn cardboard tub lying sideways on the boardwalk. Beside it a little girl was on her knees crying.

“She dropped it.” The man continued. “Before she knew it, she was surrounded by a cloud of feathers and beaks. When it finally dissipated, there was nothing left.”

“Well there you have it.” Kelly Thompson said. “When it comes to 4th of July weekend, the poor town of Amity can’t catch a break. All we can hope is that they can make it through the weekend and rebuild after. This is Kelly Thompson of 1st World News, signing off.”

5 Simple Steps to Keeping Your Gut This Summer

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It can be hard to keep your gut this time of year when the weather gets nice and all of your buddies want to do things outside. However we’ve arranged 5 easy steps to keep you packing on the pounds while still Hiking, Kayaking, and Playing Tetherball with your buddies just in time for beach season.

  • Staying Up Late and or Sleeping Erratically: This may sound strange but going to bed at the same, decent, time every night is great for losing weight thus horrible for your goals. Avoid this at all costs by making sure to stay up late or get up many times in the night. One way to do this is to chug highly caffeinated energy drinks just before bedtime. The caffeine not only keeps you up, but constricts your blood vessels so that you have to pee every five minutes, just like alcohol. Alcohol has the reverse effect on sleep though. It will knock you out, but you won’t get that restful, weight burning, REM sleep so you’ll wake up exhausted even after sleeping for 12 hours. It’s always good to use in a pinch.
  • Carbs are your friend: Most body builders cut out carbohydrates when trying to cut down on body fat. Therefore we want the opposite. Cheetos, Cheez-it’s, really anything in a card board box or bag with “Cheese” in the name should do. Have these within arm’s reach at all times.
  • SUGARRR!!: If you’re following the plan correctly you may feel sluggish from time to time. If that’s the case, sugar is the pick-me-up you need. It gives you a quick burst of energy while replacing any calories you may burn tenfold. That’s what we call efficiency. We suggest keeping a fun size candy bar in your car. That way you can avoid any healthy temptations on the road.
  • Lard: We consider this a superfood. Lard is a pig fat (did someone say bacon?) and can, or rather should, be used in cooking all of your dishes. You can also eat it by the spoonful just like peanut butter. This powerful pig butter contains 153% of your daily fat intake in just 100 grams. So get a spoon and start shoveling.
  • Beer: They don’t call it a beer gut for nothing. Follow in the wisdom of your drunken uncle Chet’s erratic footsteps and start guzzling down the good stuff. (See step 1 for sleep benefits.)

Follow these five simple steps and you’ll keep that gut in no time! And if anyone does give you crap about it, know that they’re jealous of all of the determination and hard work it took for you to keep it.

Man vs. Soup

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She caught eyes with him and he motioned for her to come over. She had been looking at him on and off for the past few minutes trying to figure out where she had seen him before. She knew he’d looked familiar.

When she got to his table it finally clicked.

“You’re Bear Grylls aren’t you?” She asked. “Star of Man vs Wild?”

“Well, I actually have this new show ‘Running Wild’ where I take celebrities out into the wilderness with me.” He said. “But yes I am Bear Grylls. Do you want an autograph or something?”

“Sure.” She said. She pulled the waitress’s notepad out of her apron. Silently kicking herself for not having anything better for him to sign.

“Are you a fan of Man vs. Wild?” He asked as he scribbled he name across the note pad.

“Oh yes.” The waitress said. “Well, my fiancé is. He watches it all the time. To be honest, I get grossed out from a lot of it. Did you really drink your own pee?”

She felt a bit silly once the words left her lips. What a stupid question to ask.

“Oh yeah. I did.” He responded cheerfully. “I always wanted Man vs. Wild to give people the tools to survive. If they were ever caught out in a dry arid climate like a desert, then drinking your own urine might just save your life.” He stopped and snickered. “It’s funny the things you get remembered for.”

“I just don’t know if I could do it.” The waitress said. “You know, like, the mental block.”

“Sure,” Bear said. “but I think you’d surprise yourself. In North Africa I had to eat a scorpion. Now you have to make sure that you cut the tail off.”

“I remember that one.” The waitress said. “You found an Octopus hiding out in a wrecked ship that you had to eat raw.” She winced as she remembered. “I had to leave the room when you started gagging.”

“Yeah.” Bear said as a looked outward wistfully. “That was a tough one. The little suckers from the tentacle were sticking to my throat. I would swallow and it was still clinging there like some big slimy noodle.”

The waitress gagged.

“Depending on where you are stranded, there might not be an option to cook what you find. Sometimes you have to eat it raw.”

“I guess those mashed up bugs you ate later in the episode were like gourmet dining compared to the octopus.” The waitress said.

“Ah the bug burger.” Bear said. “Not exactly. They did go down much easier once I got them past my taste buds.”

“It was fun though.” Bear said after a moment of silence. “Man vs. Wild. And It sounds like you’ve seen enough of the show. Hopefully you’re never in a situation where you would have to survive like that but if you are, I would be happy to know that it had helped you.”

The waitress smiled and thanked Bear for his autograph as she turned to leave him to eat the rest of his meal in piece.

“Oh,” She heard him called from behind her. “I almost forgot why I called you over here in the first place.”

The waitress turned back around.

Bear was pointing down at his bowl.

“There’s a fly in my soup.”

“Ew,” The waitress said. “That’s disgusting. Let me get you a new one.”

Bonus Story: R.I.P. 2016

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The New Year’s Eve Ball reached the bottom and everyone cheered.

“Thank God it’s finally 2017.” Lisa said. “I don’t think I could have stood another celebrity death.”

“We lost so many.” David added. “Prince, Robin Williams, and David Bowie.”

“Don’t forget Alan Rickman, Gene Wilder, and the kid who was on the new Star Trek Movies.” Lisa said.

“What about the dad from Growing Pains?” Jodie added. “I still can’t believe he’s gone.”

“I loved the dad from Growing Pains!” Carly said. “Fuck you 2016!”

“2016 also took Muhammed Ali, Arnold Palmer, and R2D2.” David said.

“R2D2? What about princess Leia?” Lisa said. “George Michael and Doris Roberts too.”

“And the Mom from the Brady Bunch.” Jodie added.

‘I loved the Mom from the Brady Bunch.” Carly said. “Fuck you 2016!”

 

The coverage of New York Times Square cut over to the local news.

 

“And just as we are all ready to get rid of 2016,” the news anchor said. “It would seem that 2017 had already claimed its first victim… 2016.”

 

The room fell silent for a minute as the stunned faces looked at the TV in disbelief.

 

“I can’t believe it.” David said. “2017 has barely started and it’s already killed someone.”

 

“Yeah,” Lisa added. “It seemed like we hardly knew 2016.”

 

“It was so young,” Jodie added. “It had so much more to live for.”

 

“This going to make me really sad.” Carly said as she whipped out her phone. “For a long time.”

 

She posted to all of her social media accounts so that her friends, family, and stalkers could see how distressed she was.

 

“I Loved 2016! Fuck you, 2017!”

 

Neutered

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Jack felt horrible. His buddy lay in the passenger seat beside him in pain. It was more than that though. Something very important, very dear, had been taken from him.

Jack rolled the window down in an attempt to lift his spirits.

His buddy didn’t budge. He stayed with his cone covered head slumped over the front of the bench truck seat.

Jack rubbed his back. The only reaction he got was one light thump from his tail. It wasn’t even a full wag. Just a gentle thump on the seat.

Jack wondered if his buddy was thinking about the Labradoodle next door.

She would no doubt be disappointed at the news. Jack was sure that she would be getting the same within the next few months, though.

The two pups were within weeks of each other and they had taken quite the liking to one another. So much so that Jack jumped on the first opportunity to ensure there would be no little Labradoodledor’s (or would they be LaLabradoodle’s?) running around in the coming months.

Still, as he looked to his depressed partner, he couldn’t help but feel bad.

They passed a pet store and the bouncing ball logo gave Jack a wonderful idea.

A toy would definitely cheer him up. He had plenty waiting for him at home but most of them had had their innards, whether they be squeaker or stuffing, torn from them. His toy bin looked like a graveyard of victims of the cult leader from Temple of Doom. KALEE MA!

Besides nothing beat the joy of a new toy. Who knows it may even be enough to keep his mind off of the Labradoodle.

Jack grabbed hold of the leash and walked his buddy inside. He was still a little loopy so it took them a little longer, but they found the dog toy isle before long.

Jack pulled everything he could from the shelf and held it close to his buddy to see if it got a reaction. It wasn’t until he reached the end of the isle that he found a winner.

He pulled a rubber ball from the shelf and held it down.

His friend lifted his eyes and started to sniff at it.

“Of course,” Jack thought. “The ball was the most basic toy and he loved to play fetch. Of course, he would like it best.” Jack felt silly for trying all of those others first.

When they reached the counter, the cashier told them that the rubber balls were buy one, get one free so Jack went back to grab another. He made sure to grab one the same as the first just in case it became a favorite and he would have to replace it on the fly.

As Jack exited the store, he realized that he was smiling. It had been the first time since the operation. He knew he had found something that might just get his buddy over the hump.

And so, Jack strolled the rest of the way parking lot with a broad smile on his face. In his left hand was the handle of a leash that belonged to a dog who had just been neutered. In his right was a sack filled with two blue balls.